Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
