also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Still dying that you shit outside
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
