I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
