my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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