i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
