We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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