Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
