I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
