I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
