I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
