Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
