Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
