just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
