I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
