He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize