she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
