she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
