I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
