If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
