If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
