You just made me feel so damn special
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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