so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
