$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
