Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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