It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
