Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You took a bar mat shot.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
