Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
