hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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