I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
