I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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