i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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