I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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