just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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