well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
