I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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