I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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