i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I think I just sharted jello shots
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