Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
