Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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