I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
