so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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