I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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