If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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