yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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