Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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