Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
