"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
