Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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