1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
