So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
