I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
