the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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