to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
