she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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