I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
