the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
