he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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